Say WHAT?

The good news is, I'm no longer sick! The antibiotics killed whatever was causing me massive pain in my ear, my fever is gone, and I am no longer asking Alex to be my nursemaid. The only problem is, I am now deaf as a doorknob. It seems that this is a common problem associated with ear infections. The antibiotics kill the infection, but left behind is all the puss and goo (best described as "ear snot") that developed with the infection. Decongestants helped to keep me from blowing my nose every 5 seconds, but they don't eliminate the ear snot, they just kind of dry it up and make it hard, which makes it nearly impossible for said snot to drip its way out of my head and into my chest, from which I could eventually cough it up and get it out of my body. Which is gross, sure, but I would be far happier dealing with a chest cold right now than I am dealing with deafness. I feel as though I am underwater, or that I'm walking around with ear plugs in. There is a constant ringing, and I am able to take my pulse whenever I want, just by listening to the blood pounding through my clogged head. Awesome. According to everything I've read, this is completely normal after a bad middle ear infection, and the best I can do is be patient. Most estimates give me anywhere from a couple of weeks to a few MONTHS with partial hearing loss. Which makes me want to bang my head against a wall. I feel like I'm going crazy! I hear disembodied sounds, and unless I'm looking right at the source of the sound, I have no idea where the sound is coming from or what it is connected to. Alex played a song the other night, and after listening for a little while, I asked him if it was an Eminem song. Nope, turns out it was bluegrass. Imagine mistaking banjos for rap. That's my life right now. I am the lady in line at the drug store that needs to be tapped on the shoulder and told that the cashier is ready for me. I find myself simply smiling and saying "yes" at the checkout counter because I'm not sure what's being said and don't want to ask the cashier to repeat himself. Really, I don't like going anywhere. My sense of balance is compromised; I find myself tilting to the right when I walk, and standing still requires a whole lot of shifting on my feet. I'm nervous to drive my car. Honestly, I feel like I'm on drugs. And maybe, just maybe, if I was CHOOSING to be on this drug, I might be able to go with it and have some fun. "Whoopee, I'm dizzy, and I just walked into a door! Fun!" Instead, I've woken up every morning for a week now, hoping that this might be the day when sound is restored to me. But alas, it's only gotten worse. I will say, the ringing has faded a bit (or, perhaps I've gotten used to it). And one ear is better than the other, so I can turn my head that way when I'm listening to someone speak. But really, this just sucks. I'm not sick, but in some ways, I felt better when I was bleeding from my ears.
And to make this scenario even ruder, I have two auditions in the next two days, both of them requiring singing with a piano. I'm trying to figure out the best way to prep my auditors for my condition, because the reality is, I'm going to have to practically lie on the piano to hear it over my own voice. And frankly, I can't really hear myself. I mean, I can, but the sound is warped and muted, so I'm kind of shouting. Plus, I have no idea if my pitch is accurate. Hell, I can't even tell if I'm enunciating! I have a very articulate manner of speaking; I have never been told (since my early days of living with a speech impediment, or as I used to say, a "THpeech" impediment) that I can't be understood due to mumbling or lazy speech habits. This week, however, Alex has had to ask me to repeat myself countless times. So, there is a chance I go to my auditions this week mumbling and shout-singing off-key. More awesome. I'm on the verge of desperation about getting a job, I mean I really NEED a job, and now I get to try to sell myself when I'm deaf. Sure, it'll all be funny someday, but right about now, I feel like the butt of somebody else's joke.
And the cherry on top? No matter how much yogurt I've eaten, no matter how many billions of live cultures I've swallowed in probiotic pills this week, I've still managed to kill off all the good bacteria in my body and now need to make a trip to the Monistat aisle. (Yeah, I know, too much information, but if I'm gonna bitch and moan about things, I might as well put it all out there.)
So there we have it: I am no longer sick.
Awesome.