Ohhhh, Life.

There's a song running through my head, an 80's song by a group called Soul II Soul:

Back to life, back to reality
Back to the here and now, oh yeah
Tell me how you decide what you want from me
Tell me, maybe I could be there for you...
However do you want me, However do you need me?

Well, here I am, back in Vegas, back to the reality that is my life these days. Is this really my life? I spent an amazing week in New York, reconnecting with friends and family, working as an actor, so much to do that sleep was caught in mini-doses throughout the week. And now I'm back to the place I'm calling "home" and wondering...Is this really my life?

I've got a lot of work to do. So much work, and so much time, and yet no clue where to begin. I feel like I'm doggie-paddling my way across the Pacific, not staying still but my motion barely makes a ripple in the water. I spent some great time with my friend Liz last week, who is doing her best to help me get into motion. Liz is in a place in her life where she is surrounded by inspiration and creativity and opportunity, to the point where she sees millions of avenues to be explored and wonders how in her life she'll ever find the time to do it all. Me, well, I'm out in the desert feeling entirely deserted, by my creative impulses, by my self-motivation, by my courage. I'm trying to write this one-woman show, but nothing is happening. I write and I write, but I don't write anything worthwhile, and I haven't read over anything I've written, I just forget it as worthless. I was explaining this to Liz, and she asked what I needed, how she could help me from across the continent. See, Liz believes in me. She believes that I have the talent and ability to create a show that would speak to lots of people, she believes that it is rather necessary that I do so. So what do I need to get it done? What I need is inspiration, people to bounce ideas off of, I need composition, a structure for all this free-form scribbling. So Liz gave me an assignment: Start reading over my writings from the past few months and pick a few pieces to send to her, just to put this stuff out into the universe, and maybe see if there are any recurring themes or ideas or whatever, just start sharing stuff with her. Awesome, I have homework! Which is great, except that I'm now reading what I've been writing, and I want to burn every last word of it. Crap, all of it. At least, I feel like crap when I read it. Sigh.

What do I have to say? What can I offer the world that is unique and worth listening to? I'm chock full of stories, but how do they come together? And even if they come together, who really gives a damn what I have to say? I've written and performed my own monologues before, and they are all autobiographical. I write what I know, and what I know is my life. And I think I have an understanding of how the lessons of my life connect me to the rest of humanity. At least, that's the response I've gotten from audiences who've seen my work. I'm not afraid of speaking the truth, no matter how ugly my truths may be. And I can laugh at myself just as easily as I can scold myself or nurture myself. Well, the nurturing bit I'm not so good at. I'm really good at taking care of other people, but I'm terrible at taking care of myself. Being onstage is healing for me, opening myself up to others is incredibly therapeutic. I just haven't found any opportunities to do that in months. And I feel smothered by stagnation. I try to write, and nothing happens. I feel so far away from myself, I feel trapped inside myself, I am all contradictions and no resolutions. I have so much to say, and I have no words. I feel numb. I feel, so much these days, like slipping away into a bottle. Staying drunk is 100% easier than dealing with life, you know? And I have been craving a drink so badly. No, not a drink. I don't want a drink. What's the point of a drink? I've never understood people who like to have A drink. Me, I want a drunk. I want a good, hard, blurry drunk. I want to slip into a bottle and hang out there for awhile. I want to take this numbness that is eating me alive and fill it up with bourbon until the tears flow like rain down my cheeks, until tomorrow seems like an eternity away, until my life feels a little less vacant. I feel lost, and I'd rather be lost in a bottle than lost in my own reluctance to live. Because isn't that what this is? Shouldn't I be battling with myself right now, battling to make something happen with my life, battling to find a reason to wake up in the morning? And yet, I woke up this morning wishing I had some painkillers so I could go back to sleep.

Addiction. A recurring theme in my life. I'm sure it's a theme for a show. But is it really a show that anyone wants to sit through? I don't know. I've got some pretty funny stories about my years of "partying", and everyone loves to laugh at a drunk. (I'm kidding about that last comment. Drunks make me cry.) It's been 7 1/2 years since my last drink, and yet I still remember the way bourbon feels as it slides down my throat. It's been over a decade since I was doing the heavy stuff, and yet I still remember the taste in the back of my throat, the way my skin would tighten and itch after a few hours. I still feel the pull of it all, the reminder that life is so much easier when I'm living it in a haze. Every day is a battle to remember WHY I went clean and sober, a battle to believe that I made the right choice, that there is something more that I am meant to do with my life. I gave it up because I knew I couldn't live the life I was supposed to live if I was fucked up all the time. But what is this life that I'm living now? What do I have to wake up for in the morning? Why bother staying sober for THIS?

Don't worry, I'm not going back to that life. I'm not giving up on this life. But what is this life that I am living? What is this reality? This here and now? Tell me, how do I decide what I want from me? How can I be there for ME?

Back to life, back to the present time
Back from the fantasy
Tell me now to take the initiative
Leave it in your hands until you're ready...
Hear me out, don't let it waste away,
Make up your mind so you know where you stand