Hope springs

I'm in a funny place. I'd call it good. I'd call it optimistic. I'd call it hopeful. Which feels kinda funny. Let me explain:

I opened my eyes this morning to a cloud-covered sky with bright spots of sunlight trying to push on through. I opened my eyes, and almost immediately, my heart sank, as I felt the sting of my latest rejection. I had an audition on Tuesday for a show that I REALLY REALLY WANT, and the callbacks are today, and for the past two days I've been analyzing every second of that audition, wondering whether I'd be getting a callback. I know I did a great job with the audition. I came in prepared, with strong character choices and memorized lines. I showed a clear knowledge of the script and a keen interest in the relationships between the characters. I presented myself as a professional, someone who might be fun to work with, someone who will work very hard to get the job done. I did a great job with the audition, I know I did. And the casting director and the director were very friendly and I was relaxed and happy to be there and I had fun and I think they did, too. So, I haven't spent the past two days analyzing my performance; rather, I've been analyzing the way they said "Thanks so much for coming in today, Meg." I've been wondering about the tone: were they saying, "Thanks so much for showing us who this character is, we'll see you at callbacks" or were they saying, "Thanks so much for all your hard work, but we won't be needing you anymore." It's hard to tell. And though I spent days obsessing over it, it's really a hypothetical, because there was no way of knowing until....well, by 11pm last night, I knew. After all, the callbacks happen in a matter of hours, and there's no way they'd wait until NOW to call me in. Sigh. And so, moments after I opened my eyes this morning, moments after waking from what I'll assume was a pleasant night's sleep (as I don't recall any bad dreams or night sweats interrupting my slumber), that sinking feeling of deep disappointment overtook me. Yet another rejection to add to the ever-growing list of painful rejections as I seek to begin my acting career here in Seattle.

So....where's the hope?

Funnily enough, the hope arose not too long after the morning's disappointment. Because as much as the rejection is painful, and as much as it's been happening A LOT these past few months, the truth is, I feel like each rejection is bringing me closer to living the dream. I have a pretty good sense of what I bring into the room when I audition, and I have no doubt that I am making an impression on these auditors. A good impression. I am showing professionalism and talent and dedication, I am not walking into the room with a sense of desperation but rather a desire to play. In truth, I've had a lot of fun at my auditions, and it shows. And come on, who wouldn't want to hire a talented professional who has fun even in a situation that could be gut-wrenching? Okay, okay, I've only actually been cast in 1 show out of the I-can't-remember-how-many auditions I've gone to in 2011, but I feel like every rejection is pushing me closer to my goal, every rejection is actually a foot in the door. Perhaps that sounds delusional, but it's the truth of what I'm feeling. Seattle is a small city with a small, tightly woven theatre community. People here are hesitant to take chances on an unknown. I've been told by one casting director that she's a "big fan", another told me she needed to introduce me to her company as they need to know what I can do, and I have had 2 auditions here where the director told me that I did something to "perfection", and while neither cast me (I guess perfection wasn't what they were looking for) I do think they were being sincere. In both cases, the director cast a woman she had already worked with on another show, taking the scary "unknown" factor out of the running. In both cases, I was rejected with a message telling me how amazing I am, what an incredible job I did at the audition, how much the director would like to work with me, but unfortunately blah blah blah. Which sucks, honestly. To be told how good I am, how great I'd be to work with EXCEPT....well, it hurts. Every time. I've been doing a lot of hurting. Last week, I cried after hearing the latest YOU WERE SO GREAT rejection. I mean, what do I have to do to become a known factor so I can get cast in this town?? How can I be so great and yet so unemployed??

But this has been a good week, a week that has helped me feel like the hard work and the determination and the generally positive attitude are going to produce results. Last Friday, I was hired for a one-day staged reading at the Seattle theatre of my dreams, and I had a lot of fun and did what I would say was an impressionable job. And the audition on Tuesday was at that same theatre, which is not the easiest place to get an audition. So I'm officially on their radar. On Monday night, I got to sing a few songs with a band at a gala for the theatre school where I've been assistant teaching, and while there weren't many people watching or listening (we were the background music during the silent auction part of the evening), I had a great time and felt quite at home with a mic in my hand. And yesterday, I did a general audition for another company I'd LOVE to work with and I got to hug a woman I worked with a decade ago who is directing one of their shows this season, and I had so much fun doing my monologue for them. Rehearsals have been great for the short play festival, which opens next Friday, June 3rd. I'm busy doing things I love to do, and I'm making an impression on the people I'm hoping to work with in this town. Even though I haven't been cast in much, I can't help but feel that every audition has been an opportunity for me to become better known, and therefore more of a factor to be seriously considered in the casting process.

And there springs the hope. The sky today seems to be a physical metaphor for my life as an actor in Seattle: there's an almost overwhelming amount of cloud cover, but the sun is fighting hard to break on through to the city below. Yes, I am comparing myself to the sun. And oh, how brightly my little light will shine once I've broken through these barriers! Perhaps it sounds egotistical, but what actor isn't egotistical? I'd like to think it sounds hopeful, or optimistic, or even joyous. Trust me, if you were applying for your dream job week after week and losing out week after week, the only options available are wallowing in self-pity, giving up entirely, or embracing the challenges and trusting that it's only a matter of time before someone will be bold enough to give you a chance, and once you've got that chance, you will run with it and show the world how much that chance is deserved. That's where I'm living these days, at the intersection of HOPE and LOSS, and I know which road I plan on choosing.

PS: I already got an invite to an audition based on yesterday's general. Fingers crossed yet again!!