What is a marriage?

So, it's official: Alex is my husband. And I am his wife. It's official, according to no official capacity, other than the power vested in the 2 of us. Allow me to explain...

On July 5, 1996, Alex got down on one knee in front of the reflecting pool at Boston's Christian Science Center, and he asked me to marry him. And I said yes. Now, we were kids at the time, fully aware that a wedding was a big deal, certainly too big a deal for us back then. But we were also fully aware that we wanted to spend our lives together. So we agreed to be engaged indefinitely, until we could handle/afford a wedding, allowing our engagement to show the world how committed we were to this relationship.

Fast-forward through the years, through shifting cities and careers, through unstable personal economies (and eventually, unstable global economies to match), through ups and downs and twists and turns and highs and lows galore...and we're still here, unmarried, but even more committed to this relationship. (Perhaps we two should be committed?) We've had the marriage-talk numerous times over the years, and it went from never seeming like the right time or the right conditions, to wondering, why bother? What does a marriage offer that we don't already have?

A marriage offers one thing that we don't have: an opportunity to celebrate this relationship with the many people who have been a part of our lives since before we knew each other and in the years since. A wedding! Now, Alex and I have never agreed on the wedding aspect of our marriage. Me, I want a big party! I want to be wrapped in love and good wishes from our family and friends. I want a day that brings together the various elements of our lives for the sole purpose of celebrating what we've accomplished together over the years, along with celebrating all that lies before us. Alex just wants to get married by Elvis, not tell anyone until a few days before, figuring that hardly a sole would show up. Two entirely differing desires on the wedding-front. The one thing we both agree on: we don't feel any need to sign legal documents making our union "official". After all, what could be more official than the past 13 years of struggle and sacrifice being borne out, with no legal obligations between the two of us to make things work? Truthfully, I am afraid of the legal aspects of a marriage. I don't know why, it's simply the truth. I am afraid of messing with a good thing. And I am afraid that once we are legally bound to one another, it will diminish somehow all the struggles that we will surely survive and overcome, making me wonder if we would have stayed together if we weren't somehow contractually obligated to do so? Whatever, my fears are what they are, perhaps they are in no way reasonable, but they exist. What also exists, thanks to this lovely year in Lost Wages, is a firm distrust of our legal system. The last thing I want entering into this relationship is some notion of "law".

But I hate calling Alex my BOYFRIEND!! A boyfriend is transitory. A boyfriend is of-the-moment. A boyfriend is NOT a guy who stays true for 13 years and makes huge sacrifices and loves your family and always considers you to be his top priority. Alex is not my boyfriend. He is my partner-in-crime, he is my other (somewhat better) half. He is the first one I turn to, the first one I run to, the first one I think of...always. He is no boyfriend. But what's the right word for him? "Partner" doesn't feel right, "fiance" implies an impending nuptial date. I call him "my old man", which is perfect for Meg the Blues Singer, but not appropriate most days of the week. Really, the only word I know that correlates with our level of commitment is "husband". I want to call Alex my husband! But I don't want to get married! What's to be done?

Seeing how unconventional our relationship has already been, Alex and I decided to continue with the lack of convention and get married in a way that made sense to us. See, we had been planning on doing the whole Elvis thing, for real. We decided sometime in February, as our lives were imploding around us, that we wanted to celebrate the fact that we were not only staying together, but the hard times were actually bringing us closer. And, since we were in Vegas, we decided to go ahead and get married by Elvis. For real. We were going to do it on April 7, the original date of Alex's preliminary hearing, the date which our lawyer assured us would bring the end of our legal woes. What better way to celebrate the end of this horrid chapter and the beginning of the rest of our lives than at the Viva Las Vegas Wedding Chapel? Which seemed like a good idea at the time. We even bought some mail-order wedding bands, which we figured we'd someday upgrade, but for the moment, who cares? And then, the DA asked for a two-week continuance. We certainly didn't want to get married BEFORE the end of this hell battle! 2 weeks later, another continuance. How to plan a wedding based on a justice system that expects us all to live our lives on hold until Justice is good and ready to get to work? By this time, we had already decided that we were heading to Seattle on April 28th, no matter what the judge had to say. So, the wedding got postponed. And then we went to Seattle, where the two of us were in the wedding party of our dear old pal, Zoe. And being a part of that wedding made me want it for me & Alex. Standing on the alter watching our friends exchange their vows, we had our eyes locked on each other, knowing that we were saying those vows to each other. I didn't want to get married by Elvis in Vegas, with no friends and no family to celebrate us! And when it came down to it, Alex didn't really want it either. And so, when we drove back to Vegas a month ago, we talked about what we wanted, and what it comes down to is this:

We want to call each other by the only proper terms we know: husband and wife.
We want the past 13 years to stand as proof of our love and commitment to one another.
We DON'T want to legally tie the knot to satisfy the US government in any way.
We DON'T want our marriage to be for anyone but the two of us.

So this is what we decided:

13 years after Alex asked me to marry him, 13 years to the day of my saying yes to his proposal, Alex and I exchanged rings in a private ceremony with no witnesses but the two of us, with no higher authority than our own. We both vowed to love each other NOT out of obedience or obligation but out of our inability to do otherwise. Alex read some excerpts from notes he'd saved over the years, glimpses of our past which only made more impressive the place we currently find ourselves. I said a few words and made a few promises. And then, by the power vested in us, we pronounced ourselves "Husband" and "Wife". And, since we are in Vegas, our first dance was themed accordingly: Barry Manilow's "I Can't Smile Without You" (chosen by Alex, and surprising both of us with it's length). And our second dance was a little song I had put together backing tracks for (think: karaoke) so that I could sing to him:

Time after time, I tell myself that I'm so lucky to be loving you
So lucky to be the one you run to see in the evening, when the day is through...
I only know what I know, the passing years will show
You've kept my love so young and so new
And time after time, you'll hear me say that I'm so lucky to be loving you.

And so, I have a husband. And I am a wife.

You can call us what you'd like. After all, no authority other than our own has blessed this union, nor even recognized it. And this is not to say that we will never go ahead with an actual marriage. Or at least a big party. But in the meantime, recognize that this union is far more grounded than many marriages, and that with nothing other than our love for each other and our commitment to each other, we have lived in un-wedded bliss for 13+ years. And we're looking forward to the next 13. And the 13 after that. Until we're finally old enough and done enough to live out our retirement dreams of a houseboat in Amsterdam....

When we spoke of marriage, and all the married (and divorced) couples we know, we recognized that one of the best and healthiest marriages we know of is that between our good friends, Mark & Steven. Mark & Steven began dating about the same time as Alex & myself, but they went ahead and got married in a big ceremony in upstate New York, way back in 2001. New York State did not then, and does not now, recognize gay marriage. But few relationships I know of are healthier or more committed than this one. I hope my husband and I can be as much of an inspiration to other non-legally marrieds as Mark & Steven have been to us.

Now, this Wifey needs to get some boxes packed, because one week from today, WE'RE OUTTA HERE! One week from today, the car will be packed and our asses will be getting out of Vegas and heading back to the east coast! Can't wait, can't wait, can't wait...