I'm Baaaaaaaaack..............

So, it’s been awhile.
I guess Life is like that. At times, we’ve got so much to say, we can hardly get it all out. At others, each word takes a Herculean effort. Such has been my story. I look back over the history of this blog: See how verbose I was in September! And April went by without a word. September was a month of discovery; April I spent holding my breath and praying for peace. And somehow, I find myself in the month of May, wondering how I got here, wondering what lies ahead. I am cautiously hopeful, but Hope is a 4-letter word. I have had my hopes dashed again and again in these months gone by. Yeah, HOPE paid off for me in November, with Yes We Can and Yes We Did. But Hope broke my heart in January. Hope kicked my ass in February. Hope spit in my eye in March. And in April, Hope embraced me, told me it loved me, and then cheated on me with that prissy whore, Despair. And still, here I am in May, inching towards Hope’s outstretched hand, trusting that this time, this time it’s for real, this time it’s for the long haul, this time I’m The One, and the Siren Songs of Despair and Anxiety and Doubt and Anger and Defeat will not steal my Hope away, will not prove me wrong once again, will not leave me feeling used and abused and rooted in the muck of Misery. Yes, my friends, that is what the past months have felt like. Yes, my friends, it really was that bad. And yes, my friends, I am once again feeling hopeful, reluctantly so, I must admit, but hopeful nonetheless. And it is my hope that I will once again use this space to relate to you my adventures in the Wild West. It is my hope that I will dig myself out of my somewhat self-imposed isolation and throw myself open to the possibilities of Love and Friendship and hey, what’s that thing called Fun? All the kids are doing it, I’m told….
I will not try to put into detail the downs and further downs of 2009. There’s too much to say, and honestly, I can’t wrap my head around it. I have written many blogs in my mind, but everything felt too confused and contorted to put down in writing. How I wanted to share with you my adventures in Los Angeles, with Fish Frys and birthday parties and theatrical events that reminded me of what I want to do onstage. How I wanted to share the awe-inspiring experience of seeing Cirque du Soliel’s “LOVE” with my mother-in-law, one of the biggest Beatles fans I know. How I wanted to share the ongoing drama of Alex’s court proceedings, with continuance after continuance and the bullshit that is the Justice System. But it all over-whelmed me. It was all too much. And now, it’s all behind me. On April 28th, we had the pleasure of hearing a judge say, “Case Dismissed.” We’d been waiting for those words since the beginning of October, when Alex was arrested on 8 bogus charges. We’d been waiting for those words since January 5th, when the DA decided to file 14 felony charges against Alex, again all bogus. We’d been waiting to hear those words with the same anticipation that I imagine a dying man has when waiting to hear about an organ transplant. Because, truly, this court drama felt like Life and Death to us. If Justice prevailed, then all charges would be dismissed, and we could get out of Limbo and start to live again. But as there was no Justice from the moment Alex was arrested, we half expected that somehow Alex would be found guilty and spend his life behind bars. And frankly, that felt no different than Death. But it worked out, the DA decided not to pursue the case (realizing there was nothing to pursue, as Alex broke no laws), and we can close this chapter of our lives. Except…How do you live with your Life on the line for 7 months, and then just pick up where you left off? I was expecting to feel this wave of relief that would melt into sheer joy and optimism. Instead, I feel nervous. It’s like I’ve got Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder or something. I am terrified of what’s around the corner. I want to Live, but I’m afraid that in doing so, I will invite calamity. And it’s worse for Alex. His whole body has been in knots, his whole life has been in question, and he is having a hard time believing that he can relax, that he can feel safe and at peace.
But we’re trying. On April 28th, after hearing the judge say “Case Dismissed”, we packed up the car and said goodbye to our desert abode. We left behind our call-girl neighbors and our industrial park neighborhood and began the drive north to the anti-desert. Yes, we drove to the rain forest, the Pacific Northwest home that we so loved for the 5 years we lived here and said goodbye to in 2003. I write this blog in Seattle, looking out of my 5th floor window to the flat grey ceiling that is the Seattle sky for a solid 8 months each year. The rain is coming down lightly and steadily, there is no blue above me, no sky to be seen, and it is the most beautiful sight in the world. We are in Seattle for the month of May, and it is exactly where I need to be. I would love to be here for the summer, but alas, I have to be back in Vegas in June (I will write another blog to answer any questions that may have arisen there), and then we’re heading back east in July (there’s no way to express my joy on this last count, other than to say, OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODI’MSOEXCITEDTOGETBACKEASTANDSEEALLMYFRIENDSANDFAMILYANDPICKUPWHEREILEFTOFFANDGIVETHATCITYONELASTSHOTANDMAKETHEMOSTOFITTHISTIMEANDOHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODI’MSOEXCITED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) So I am grateful for this month-long gift of moisture (my skin is so happy!) and nature (my heart is so full!) and friendship (my soul is so hungry!) and I am, again, cautiously hopeful about the road ahead. I am cautiously hopeful that this month will begin to bring peace and joy and self-love and a reminder of how very lucky I am to be alive, to be a part of this world, to have been born Meghan Mary McLynn on that April 26th all those years ago (yes, I just celebrated my 27th birthday again, with a trip to the Grand Canyon that I would have loved to share with you, if only I had the words to do so). I am cautiously hopeful that this month will hold up a mirror to my strengths and talents, that it will leave me no choice but to embrace myself and feel at home in myself again. I’m lucky to have such wonderful friends here who want nothing more than to help me be Me. I spent a day at a spa with Zoe, learning to relax again. I spent mornings doing yoga with Caro, learning to feel strong again. And I spent an afternoon building chicken coops in the Port Orchard rain with Angela, learning to laugh again. These are my ladies, who’ve loved me since before I knew I should love myself, and they are a miracle. And then I’ve got a whole crew of friends in this town to drink tea with and go hiking with and ride bikes with and eat ice cream with and….This is a time of healing, of renewal, of rebirth. It is spring, after all. I arrived in Seattle just as the blossoms opened, just as the cherry trees exploded into cotton candy. And on the day I arrived, the sun shone brighter than anything I’ve seen in Vegas. Some things are meant to be, and I am meant to be full of Hope, sans caution. I look forward to filling you in on the journey.